Funny Religious Quotes


We have the best collection of funny religious quotes or funny quotes about religion for you to enjoy and share.


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1
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'.
~ Charlie Brown
4.40
2
A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.
~ Ronald Knox
4.40
3
Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.
~ Woody Allen
4.39
4
Young man, the secret of my success is that at an early age I discovered I was not God.
~ Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
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5
If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?
~ George Deacon
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6
Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.
~ James H. Kabbler III
4.37
7
In the middle ages people were tourists because of their religion, whereas now they are tourists because tourism is their religion.
~ Robert Runcie
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8
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
~ Emo Philips
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9
And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
~ Spike Milligan
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10
I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.
~ Orson Welles
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11
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
~ Fulton Sheen
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12
The various modes of worship, which prevailed in the Roman world, were all considered by the people as equally true; by the philosopher, as equally false; and by the magistrate, as equally useful.
~ Edward Gibbon
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13
Adam was the luckiest man in the world. He had no mother-in-law.
~ Sholom Aleichem
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14
I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
~ Joan Rivers
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15
He was of the faith chiefly in the sense that the church he currently did not attend was Catholic.
~ Kingsley Amis
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